In my younger years, like so many others, I suffered numerous heartbreaks. However eventually I learnt three powerful lessons that changed the course of my relationship outcomes and prevented frequent heartache.
Number one, I changed my focus of what I desired in both friendships and more intimate relations.
Instead of seeking meaningful connection with those that shared personality traits, talents or activities with me, I sought to be around people who were kind, genuine and humble and found that among people of these character traits I rarely experienced rejection, abuse or being taken for granted.
We tend to gravitate toward people we appreciate the most, and after experiencing a decline in my health which effected my lifestyle, causing me to be judged harshly by a large percent of the community, I developed an aversion toward people who were arrogant and judged quite harshly, and people who were pretentious or superficial. As a consequence I developed a deeper appreciation for genuine, kind, humble people disregarding popularity, social importance, appearance and intelligence which are qualities that usually instil the most appreciation and admiration. Because of this fortuitous circumstance I realised I had discovered a character ingredients that made for excellent friends.
The second change I made was to invest in people who are invested in me.
The more you emotionally and mentally invest in someone the more your attachment will grow. If you start investing in someone and they show no return appreciation, or investment in you then let it go while your attachment isn’t deeply embedded, instead of investing further and further without return.
A healthy relationship is built on levels of vulnerability being given and built on back and forth, ie you give a little, wait for them to give a little back, and so forth. Otherwise there is a severe power imbalance and you know so little about the other, you might have just given all your power, heart, and soul to a psychopath.
The third relationship lesson, and the hardest, was not to idolise the idea of a romantic relationship and take for granted your other beautiful relationships with friends and family. At one stage I was so enraptured by the idea of finding ‘true love’ in a romantic partner that I failed to see I had true love in members of my family. After rushing into a four year relationship I realised by the end of it that God, my sister, and father, loved me better than my romantic partner did and I had always had love and support but hadn’t valued those who loved me the most.
I hope you can glean some benefit from my insights to pioneer toward a fulfilling life with fulfilling relationships.
Until next time, take care!